Parenting is not just about learning how to be functional parents and pass on a healthy world view; it is about learning how to ReParent ourselves and unload the programs that we in turn accepted from our parents so we can become a whole person. It is next to impossible be a good parents an set up an effective model unless we can find ourselves and enter recovery so we can let go of the past mistakes our parents made in our childhood. It is about how to love ourselves so we can inturn love others.
I discovered that coming from a dysfunctional family our past experience was imprinted in our data base we will repeat our parents behavior. Before we can have successful relationshipa and become successful parents, we must unload our garbage that is setting us up to perpetuate our all our parents’ dysfunctional behavior patterns. What I discovered was we cannot be parents who set a good example for our children until we learn how to reparent ourselves and grow up. It is like we must go through the process of growing up again. Adult-children can not provide a good parental model or raise children. So parenting is not just a matter of doing the right behaviour; it’s also a matter of being the right person too. To be this we have to understand what being a whole person is. If you can not walk the talk and if you do not know what to say in a positive manner how can you be a parent. If you have a basically corrupted operating system in your computer you can not create functional relationships nor can you become as an acceptable parent. Our dysfunctional behaviour will always bleed through even if we know our parents behaviour patterns are affecting us and we try to stop them.
My presentation in this book may not please the people who choose live in their illusion thinking they are in effective relationships and can or are effective parents. Most people do not want to believe that all the causes of our problems and conflicts started in the first four years of our life, I did not want to blame my mother for all my conflicts, even though she did cause them, She did the best she could. We can not live in the past or blame others for our problems and conflicts. Even though we could not control the situations in the first ten years of our life we can not blame anyone for the outcome. We have to unwind it take control, responsibility and release all the stuffed anger traumatic feeling from the past.
I view this process of transformation from all angles. I have no developed opinions on what is right beyond what I present in this book. I look at all sides of the question. I do not let religion or cultural traditions influence my theory or concepts. What I have presented here is based on my experience with clients and in my lectures and seminars over the last thirty years. I will look at anything a person brings to me to evaluate. There are some concepts in this book which may not be in line with the beliefs of some people. Every process or program is documented. A personal belief may cause you to discount my theory. But never the less Just because you do not agree me does not invalidate my theory or process.
For me if it works over time I will include the process in this program. In other words “show me a good mouse trap that works and I will try it.” My work with children has proven we can change their behavior in a very short time because they do not have the garbage built up in their data base. The less you have to deal with the quicker we can release it. Children are very open to release problems in their life.
If you followed the TV presentations by John Bradshaw in the late 1980′s and 1990s, you can understand why most adults never grow up As adult children it is very hard to be competent parents when we did not have a good parental model presented to us as children. We need to go through a basic internship on reparenting before we take on the challenge of having children. I have found that it takes ten to fifteen years after you graduate from high school to recover your lost self and get yourself established in life, ready for the challenge of raising children. Very few parents in their twenties are prepared to have children, let alone in their teens. Some people are not suited to have children at all unless they find and recover their lost selves.
Many people have conflicting agendas about what they want to do and accomplish in their life. In the past, nobody recognized this fact, yet I often see female clients who have no children but feel guilty about not having them. This produces a body reaction in women which causes PMS and Endometriosis. If we choose not to have children, we must make peace with ourselves by deleting all the programs from family pressures and religious/societal dogma that dictate that we must have children and it is “normal” for a women to have children. Your body does not care about your situation it is just acting out the religious/societal programs which have been recorded in our data base. So each cycle you pass without having a child your mind will remind you that you are missing the possibility of having a child with PMS.
In my practice, I find many clients who are making a conscious decision as to whether to become parents or to follow other agendas. If they decide that children are not the most important issue for them, family, church or society makes them feel guilty or forces them into having children anyway. So we have to reprogram their mind to accept their beliefs and concepts.
Careers and children do not mix very well unless you can make the quality time to be with the children. It is next to impossible when you work full Time to be able to provide the attention and support they need. One parent must be with the children from birth to five years of age. Latch key children have many behavioural problem unless they are very indepentent childen.
My wife and I were aware of this 25 years before it hit the media, and we decided to get to know who we were before we had any children. We reasoned that if the marriage did not work, then we would not have children to deal with during a potential breakup if that should happen. But if it was working after five years, then we would be ready to have children. We knew that the first five years are the critical period in most marriages. During this getting adjusted” period, children will take your attention and make life very complicated and stressful. So Susie and I set up a plan for our relationship and it worked well. We have just celebrated 43 years of marriage and live in peace, happiness, harmony and joy at all times. We worked hard to become good parents, and watched our sons grow up to be responsible, successful adultswith good self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. They followed our lead and are beginning families of their own.
In your life drama, you are the director, producer, choreographer and lead actor or actress. We must know how to play our part in that drama or the play will fail. The latest statistics show 50 % of the people often make unwise choices and end up in divorce. The true casualties of the failure are the children, but we put them aside and try to find another partner to join the cast of our play and fire the failed actor or actress. Then we try to restage the same play without first evaluating why the previous attempt failed so we can rewrite the script so it won’t fail again. Would people in business do this? I think not, their business would fail if they did not evaluate the causes of the failure, but we do it in relationships every day. Many of my clients have been shot down two or three times then wonder why they have dysfunctional children without really digging and evaluating their relations for the reason.
Take note of this. It not what we think we did as parents. It is how the child is perceiving and interpreting what has happened according to them. The child makes the decision about how she/he feels about the situation. It makes no difference how we think we handled the situation. The child will react according to their feelings and perception. The decisions they make are based on their perception. It will control the balance of their life until they can recognize the conflict. Many never recognize the conflicts they are facing because they refuse to face up to the issues from the past.
When I started my practice, my first two insights were: About one in four (25 percent) of my clients had been rejected before they were born. I had to reevaluate my theory after about ten years in practice. What I had discovered was that 75% of the children felt rejected before they were born. At least 50 percent of my clients did not love themselves nor could they receive love. That was my perception in the beginning of my practice. Again I had revise my percentages in the following years. What I discovered over the next ten years was the number increased to 90% had not felt loved, wanted or accepted as children. However, these numbers represent only those clients who were aware of themselves. The picture worsened considerably as I probed more deeply into the denial programs that were blocking many clients from knowing the reality of who they were and the programs that were running their lives. What we have come up with today is a staggering statistic; seven out of ten adults were rejected before they were born. This is not just about people born 50 – 75 years ago; the condition is more prevalent among people born in the last 20 years. Prior to 1984, I worked in a traditional psychology practice. As I found that “talk therapy” produced very little long lasting results, I decided to investigate the causes of situations that I was finding my clients in. When I began, I had no way of documenting my findings because I was moving into a new, uncharted area of psycho-physiological heath. I had no guidelines to follow, nor anyone to consult about this new avenue of therapy. Many therapists were skeptical of my newfound process, yet a few did refer clients to me because, most of the time, I could break through the blocks that were stalling their recovery.
The outcome of my research was traumatic to me because I found that my own challenges stemmed from my childhood, with my mother at the root of most of them. I began to realize that there are very few functional families. I also began to understand the verse in the Bible: “we will suffer the sins of our fathers for seven generations.” It is now clear to me that we observe and copy our parents’ beliefs and behavior, and will pass those beliefs and behavior on to our children, who will do the same indefinitely in a cycle of behavior transfer that is destroying our society. The key challenge before us, then, is to stop this cycle. Over the last 30 years I have met seven people who were effective parents. Quite devastating when you know want happens in dysfunctional families.
For my part, I refused to get married until I knew that I could handle the basic responsibilities that marriage entails, and that I could be compatible with my partner of choice. I had seen too many failures in my friends’ relationships that rained extreme hardships on themselves and their children, so I vowed not to make the same mistake. As a result, I did not get married until I was almost thirty, and we decided to defer having children for five years so we could get ourselves established in life. Little did we know, this was one of the most smartest decisions we’ve ever made in our relationship. We were not able to begin creating a functional family until I decided to get out of the business world and try to find out who I was.
Over the last 25 years, I have compiled statistics on my clients, which has prompted me to write this book, detailing my findings that all the psycho/emotional physiological issues that adults have stem from childhood. My intent is to present a behavior program that parents can learn, and have readers understand how easy it is to damage a child’s self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth, effectively destroying their life before they are four years old.
The first book in this series is Your Body Is Talking; Are You Listening? This book explains the concepts of what I call Neuro/Cellular Reprogramming. A process to release traumatic behaviour we accepted as children which is affecting us now. It points out that parents can seriously harm a child’s mind until the dysfunctional beliefs are cleared and the programs are released. It covers all my work with illness, disease and emotional dysfunction.
This article details how to revisit your childhood and ReParent yourself to correct the issues that caused us to accept our parents behaviour. Many of the behaviour patterns created seeds of discontent which may hatch later in our adulthood. This can help you avoid treating children in ways that cause the emotional problems that we had to endure as adults. If you are one of the nine out ten adults who did not have the childhood you would have wished for, you can clear the issues with your parents and forgive them because they did not know what they were doing. They were simply following the routine that their parents in turn had taught them. They did not know what love was or how be an effective model for us. You do not have to create another dysfunctional family if you follow the basic directions I am providing so you can recover your lost self, understand what unconditional love is and become who you really are.
Happy traveling. Begin your transformation now; miracles do happen!