By Art Martin Ph.D
Do you think you know what comprises the qualities and aspects of unconditional love? I am not referring to what you may think or believe what love is at a Conscious level. Does your Subconscious Mind have a program which will allow you to accept and demonstrate the behaviour which comprises unconditional love? In the thirty years I have been in practice I have met only five people who could demonstrate they knew what unconditional love is. The main cause of this is by the time we are born we have picked up all the fear, rejection and all the other negative programs that our mother is carrying in her mind. These are active programs which are assimilated into the fetus’s cellular memory in utero. The soul and spirit which enter the body to cause it become alive only know unconditional love, yet they have become blocked because our body is our mind as a result all the fear based programs which are locked into the cellular memory of our body during the nine month in utero period will overwrite the soul and spirits ability to stop these programs from activating at birth which causes rejection.
When a child is born they know what unconditional love is so they will demand they get unconditional love from their mother. If she does not know what it is they the child will act out crying and putting on tantrums to get the mothers attention. If she does not know why the child is acting out she may discipline the child or avoid them. This is interpreted by the child as rejection and abandonment. If the mother continues this action toward the child The child will feel mother is withholding love, acceptance and recognition. If this behaviour continues over a a year or more the child will ten begin to accept and believe the behaviour mothers is the way she is treating them is what love is.
If the baby knows that he/she is not the desired gender the parents want, it locks rejection in further. If the baby is not wanted due to any form of rejection by birth parents or from a mistake or any other conflict which the parents may be thinking, feeling or any attitude or behaviour which may cause a feeling of not being wanted it locks rejection in further. Religious beliefs that state we are born in sin further locks in these programs. As a result only 30% of the children have a chance at feeling loved at birth. This drops to less than 1% as they begin to grow up.
On the positive side, if the mother has supportive feelings about herself with the ability to demonstrate true love with support from her family and has a strong enough mind to make a commitment to herself that she will not bring a child into the world and raise them as her parents did, plus has support from the father in the same manner then the baby has a chance to be born in love in a supportive world.
This what my wife and I decided to accomplish. It took six years in relationship before we decided we could have children without causing a rejection reaction that we felt as children. Very few parents even think or plan their family. It just happens. When we felt we had our parents basic imprinting in control, we felt it was safe to have a child. This is an extremely important quality. It can only happen if the parents have a strong identity and belief in themselves. Very few people have this developed in their thirties or forties let alone their twenties when most people have children. We were in our thirties when our children were born so our identity of who we were had been firmly established.
We also decided to only have two and keep them five years apart so there would not be any conflicts. They grew up knowing they could trust us and know that we would be there for them and not react in negative ways. As a result they grew up in unconditional love. They have self esteem, self worth, and self confidence. They have never been sick or suffered from any illness at any time in their life. I addition to this they never missed a day of school.
We have to make these decisions before we have children so we don’t foul up their lives. We control their computer programming input until they are 10 years old so it is very important we do not invade their space with negative behaviour or forceful attitudes and actions cause them to be afraid of us. We have to develop trust and respect in them.
Very few people know what love is in any form. Some people may be able to act out what they think love is by definition. The conflict is not very clear to most people because they have never had a love model in their life. Love is a quality that comes from a basic feeling of being accepted, approved, validated and acknowledged for who you are as a child. To activate the values of unconditional love in your life you must have been born into a functional family that displayed and practiced unconditional love in their family lifestyle. If this was not learned in childhood or you have not worked through your childhood issues of rejection, abandonment, not being accepted, feeling not all right, self rejection, lack of value and many other feeling and emotions that are from dysfunctional families then this produce more dysfunctional behaviour. Without those qualities you will not have self esteem, self worth or self confidence. These are cluster qualities which means they can not exist separately they must all be functional in your life or they are not able to be demonstrated to children.
When we are from a dysfunctional family we may not know the causes because we are living in an illusion due to being buried in our Subconscious Minds data base in denial. We do not want to revisit those feelings so we have locked them out of our conscious awareness. They are still filed in our data base, but we can not find them. When I check a person with Kinesiology (muscle testing) using a persons arm as an indicator device to find out if they are willing to bring up all the negative feeling, attitudes and experiences from the past so we can release them I always get a no response. Why would we get this response if a person wants to clear the past so they can get on with their life? Because nobody wants to revisit the traumatic experiences of the past. They are locked up so why not keep them that way. Unfortunately they must be released, but we do not have go back and experience the struggle, suffering and trauma over again. We can lump it altogether and release them in a short time with the Energy Medicine process. But we have to access them to find base cause and core issues.
For the more than 80 years the movie industry and the media has misrepresented what love is. This has caused a serious breakdown in family life styles and social culture. We are not talking about romance or sex which is unfortunately played up in most of the media as love. What love means is very different from the popular media version.
What love is not: The thumping feeling that causes us to be attracted to someone. Being swept off your feet over a romance or Sexual attraction. Love is not an emotion it is a feeling. It must come from an internal source within us. It is something you grow into when you find a person who has similar attitudes, feeling and desires. Love has nothing to do with sex even though that is the way it played up in the media.
So what does this do to us when we see all the conflicts on the media about these people who are supposed to be our idols which leads to further conflicts? All you have to do is look at the number of young people who back out of life in suicide. The numbers had gone up 800% in the last 40 years. Many feel lost because they can’t find love and happiness. They never will with the media model. If their parents model was dysfunctional them where do you go to find the model to follow? Many people are attending seminars and workshops on personal growth and transformation to find a new path in life. If you are on the rocks already, marriage counseling very seldom works. Very few therapist are adept enough to locate the cause which caused you to make the choice. First you have to find out how you ended up making the improper choice before you can change the behaviour. If you do not find out why you are making improper choices you will do it again, again and again until change the behaviour.
Unconditional love is a form of acceptance without need to prove anything. Love is kindness and caring without any judgment or control. It is acceptance of others as they are without the need to change, control or to require any specific action. Love has no needs it only gives.
Love to a child is unconditional acceptance, approval, validation and acknowledgment. When we unconditional love it means unconditional. There are no needs or requirements to be met to get this acceptance, approval and validation, If you put conditions on it then you are creating invalidation if the child does not meet your standards. Quite often an adult will put requirements on their acceptance without knowing what they have done. Children read our behaviour very easy and make their own interpretations based on their perception at the time. Many times this perception may not be accurate, but it will be locked into the data base if it is repeated over time. It will not be released until then program is actually removed. We will react to this program even if we know it exists and we do not want to act in this manner.
When we discussed dysfunctional behaviour we find they are all goal oriented outcome based behaviors. Individuals be they children or adults seek to get attention, acceptance and approval at any price. “Any form of attention will do as long as I am noticed and you know I exist….” Therefore any concentrated form of attention becomes love if the behaviour is repeated consistently over a period of time. This is a distorted view of love, yet our mind will not function without some form attention, acceptance and approval. It will set up it’s search mode to find some form of love substitute to attach to no matter what the form is. This is the major cause of all the disorders such as RAD, ADD, SAD and ADHD. The mind becomes confused when it can’t find a form of support that it can develop a trust in a parent with. The person feels lost so they will find some person who will provide the love substitute for them. In a confused state our mind tries make connection yet it can’t so it demonstrates confused behaviour.
What are the causes and what is the effect on a child? The causes are rejection, abandonment, indifference, lack of attention, approval, feeling invalidated, not accepted, lack of support, feeling alone, and the most important one, not feeling loved unconditionally. The most damaging one is indifference. This causes a child or adult to feel you don’t care about me or you do not matter to me. This is the true opposite to love. Hate is not the opposite to love because you are still showing attention or caring against. This an odd interpretation, but it is an accurate description.
It can also can cause a reaction if the child or adult perceives or interprets that you are not being honest and authentic in your behaviour. We may not recognize how intuitive we are. Yet, we know how people feel about us even if they do not say a word. It is described as unspoken language or Meta Communication. We will make an interpretation based on how we feel. It may not be accurate, yet it gets recorded in our minds data base. If you do what you think should be done when it really is an illusion as it will cause distrust. You can not give something you do not possess. Acting out being loving when you do not know what it is can be very detrimental to a child. They are very intuitive so they can sense your incongruent behaviour. You can not fool them by demonstrating acceptance and affection when it is an illusion and you do not feel it. You have to be authentic. If you do not know what that means it may be difficult to understand what love is.
What this results in is feeling that I am not safe in this place or environment. I am unprotected, and feel insecure As a result the child feels that they can not trust their parents or the their caretaker. It is all connected to trust. What this results in is a reactive child who is trying to get attention in any way they can. They are not concerned about the consequences or how their acting out causes a caretaker to react. Any form of attention including mental or physical abuse will be interpreted as attention so if they get attention in this manner they will continue to act out of control to get that attention.. Any form of attention including mental or physical abuse will be interpreted as attention. If they get attention in this manner they will seek out people who provide this form of attention and continue to act out of control throughout their life until they feel love within themselves. Adults will create all types of illusions to justify their behaviour. It all comes down to acceptance, and validation of who I am. We all want to be recognized that we exist and are somebody. Everyone wants to be accepted be they children or adults they want love, trust, acceptance, security, safety and feeling protected.
If you can bypass the reactionary behaviour and just hug a child and quiet them down by telling them you love them and forgive them for their behaviour you will create major changes. Tell them you are willing to accept them as they are. Assure them you want them to feel they can trust you then they may change their behaviour almost instantly. We will still run into the feeling that you are not able to love me if the parent does have a effective love program installed in their own mind. There is much more work needed, but this will start the healing process. At this point we need to work with the parents before we can make any major changes in the child’s behaviour.
One of the main causes I found over the last thirty years is more than 70 % of the children have been rejected before they were born. If a child was mistreated by a controlling overbearing parent or they were adopted this causes rejection by their birth mother. This will cause them to develop fear of intimacy and fear of commitment. This takes another approach to clear fear of being rejected again. You have to know the program exists in the first place and know how to approach the person. You can not just wade in and assume the person will accept you without first releasing the programs and building trust again. It is not easy to do without knowing the modality and process to clear the programs. If a child perceives he/she can not trust you then you will never get close to them until you demonstrate to them they can trust you.
There are two catches in this. The child or adult must be able to perceive that you really mean what you say and know you are walking your talk. Plus you are able to forgive their past behviour. If you can’t do that the child or adult will pick up your feeling intuitively and know that you do not mean what you say. You have to walk your talk. It is really frustrating when you are being pushed away by the child when you are trying to be acceptable and gain their trust. It is not what you do, It is how they perceive what your trying project to them.
There is another catch too. If you were from a dysfunctional family yourself you have to develop self love before you can give love. You can not give what you do not have within yourself. So this can be a vicious circle if you are not able to express love and you are trying to be kind and loving, yet you are being rejected.
Just because you think that being kind, helpful and caring will give you the qualities to be intimate and affectionate do not work. We have worked with many parents to help them understand why the child is reacting to them. It is not their individual behaviour you can blame on the child. The child is reacting out in the only way they know to get attention. They are in survival trying to do the best they can to get attention, acceptance and affection. If they do not perceive love coming from you they will continue to act out.
This is common in adopted children who were rejected by their birth parents. This is a totally different behaviour with all the same effects that I have described above. This main contention we always stress is that the first line of defense is working with the parents so they can change their behavior toward the child and stop blaming the child. They must have love installed in themselves or the child will intuitively pickup they do not mean what they say. This will be repeated over and over.” You can not give what you do not have within your own mind” .Children know this and react to it without knowing it. It can become frustrating when you think you are being affectionate and get rebuffed and rejected.
Placing blame only aggravates the situation even more. The parent who is reacting is playing right into the behaviour pattern. It becomes who is in control and parent will choose to win. The only problem is the win is hollow. The child is asking for love and gets rejection and feels I am not all right, abandoned and alone no matter how hard you try to get through.
How do you overcome this dysfunctional Behaviour?: Unfortunately in most families we have children trying to raise children. The parent child never grew up and was imprinted by their parents with childlike behaviour so the viscous circle perpetuates itself from generation to generation. All you have to do is observe the persons voice. If you were not able to observe or see the person how old would you assume they are? If it is child like voice then they are stuck emotionally at that age. A child can recognize this voice very easy.
You have to be an adult who can take responsibility for their behaviour. Break the word down to “ability to respond effectively.” If you do not know what that is then how do you respond in an effective manner.
When children or adults get sick you may not know why or the cause. You can be sure it involves a need for attention or expression. What the base cause is you or someone they are depending on is not responding properly. They are only five reasons to get sick and they are all connected with love, approval, acceptance, support, recognition and validation. Fear and anger can cause illness and disease too. The sub groups to this are trust, rejection, abandonment, separation and indifference. They all can cause sickness.
Sickness is a call for love and acceptance. Children will get sick to get your attention. They do not know why they are getting sick. It is an automatic reaction. If this does not get results then their mind drives them deeper into out of control reactive behaviour or if they are passive then it goes to serious illness and disease. This subject of sickness to get attention also can go into getting sick to get your attention because you broke a commitment or a promise to a child. It can be about not being willing to express or talk about some important issue. This also happens to adults when they can not or do not want to deal with and issue that is troubling them.
The personality type will determine the path they take. A reactive personality type will act out in anger and resentment. A submissive personality will resort to illness and disease. You have to know what the personality type is before you reach out.
The correction for all these is true effective unconditional Love, acceptance, approval and validation. Some times it is hard to overlook reactive behaviour and take a proactive path. It also may take some time to get the child’s confidence so he or she can trust you if they have been through server trauma in childhood.
There is so much to this research it has been an ongoing project. We finally cracked the mind’s codes on how the mind processes behaviour and how it is recorded. Everything is wrapped around love and forgiveness. It is the center point of all work in changing behaviour patterns. We have discovered the modality and process to get immediate results 95% of the cases in a very short time.
Behaviour Mod, tough love and intervention therapy does not work and never did but that was what we had at the time. Energy Psychology is a new approach that works 95% of the time. Granted there are cases which we have to take a different approach which will get results too. This requires a total restructuring of the brain/mind programming, This is a different approach which is not germane to this discussion.
In working with RAD, ADD, ADHD, SAD and many other of the personality behaviour disorders it takes more than just understanding and acceptance because the programs are entrenched in the Data Base. The rejection and abandonment programs must be removed to get results. As stated priory love must come from inside the person. It can not be instilled in them nor can you teach them Self esteem, self worth and self confidence. All these qualities are still intact. They are just written over with malfunctioning behaviour to deal with the feelings of survival and loss of control due to rejection and abandonment. When we release the root causes and core issues connected to the behaviour then erase and delete the programs caused by rejection and abandonment we can balance out the behaviour by installing new programs which allow the original files to be reinstalled it will calm down the child or adult so they can function in a normal manner. It works every time if we can get the individual to work with us to let go of the past and live in the present moment. We have to get them to let go of resentment and anger along with the rejection and abandonment.
The following case histories depict the conflict we face and how to deal with them.
Case History #1
Teenager 14 years old. Adopted at 4 years old from Lithuania. RAD behaviour which was in control as long as there were not any confrontations which appear to cause rejection and loss of control. The confrontations were anything he wanted or was promised and could not have. Other children teasing him would set him off too. He would go into rage and go into uncontrollable behaviour. The recommendations were drugs to control his behaviour. The parents were using forms of homeopathic remedies which worked most of time.
When the parents called me I was unaware they were divorced. The father was willing to go along with the psychiatrist who was recommending they send him into a controlled environment in a boys boarding school. This would have caused more rejection which would cause the situation to be aggravated even more.
They found my web site and emerald me to see if I was willing to work with their son. They were unsure if I could accomplish what I claimed I could do. After consulting with a few people I recommended they called to validate my credentials. I flew to their city to work with their son. In four two hour sessions we had him stabilized so he could understand his situation and functioning as a normal teenager.
The process proved itself out the following day. The father had promised he would take his son to Yosemite Park for a weeks vacation a month ago. He was looking forward to this adventure. The day after I finished working with him his father called and said he was leaving the following day but he was not going take his son because he did not know what would happen based on with what we had done and he did not want to run into trouble so he was not going to take him. We had explained to him what we had accomplished, yet I feel the father wanted it to fail so he could be proven right as he had in the past.
In the past he would have gone into uncontrollable rage, yet this did not happen. What was different? We had removed all the catalysts, triggers and activators that would have caused this reaction. We had released all the anger and fear programs which were attached to rejection and abandonment both by his birth parents and his adopted father.
I talked to his mother the following Monday. She was ecstatic with what we had accomplished. I also talked with him. He said he was very happy he was able to work with me. He did not react or act out in any way. It was like he understood that his father was not there for him and he could not trust him. He said he did not want to live with his father anymore. I also did a session with his mother so she could function with congruent behaviour so her son would know he could trust her. She was from a dysfunctional family too. In the last six months he has not had problems or fallen back into his old behaviour patterns.
Case history #2
The total opposite situation yet, the same behaviour which was out of control because nobody recognized it. Young man 31 years old from a dysfunctional family with both birth parents present in his life. He is currently living with them. He is in recovery from Alcohol and drug addiction. He was born 10 years after his sister, an unexpected child. This caused the same result as the first case due to rejection and abandonment. The parents weren’t aware that they were causing these interpretations for the child as they did the best they could. The interpretations were created before he was born due to the shock of being an unexpected child. The parents will not acknowledge this feeling of not being ready for a new child so it has complicated the situation. All they would have to do accept the situation and the mistake they made. They ask for his forgiveness.
Very few parents will be honest with themselves because they really believe they overcame the reaction. The attitude is locked into their mind even though they block it out. We need to work with them to correct their behaviour so they could provide support for him, but they resisted taking the opportunity to work out their issues. He grew up feeling on the outside not accepted by the other children. Had a hard time adjusting in school. Fast forward to college. He could not handle the stress of competition and ended up into alcohol to avoid the feelings and flunked out. Went from bad to worse into street drugs and found himself living on street with no money.
THIS IS THE RESULT OF RAD CHILDREN WHO ARE NOT ABLE TO COPE. He was stuck at 14 years old. If and when they grow up they can function in society again. Intervention and behaviour mod did not work. He finally realized he had to get off drugs and alcohol yet he is not stable enough to enter into society. His mother said she did not know what they were going to do with him until they met me. They had tried everything. If their life is not clear they can not help him.
He was hearing voices in his head and seeing illusionary visions. The doctors diagnosis was bi-polar and possibly manic depressive. His brain/mind was malfunctioning from the escape into magical child. The Neuro transmitters in his brain are not functioning properly. We cleared up much of it up to this point. He is functioning very well now. This is an ongoing case with a lot more to work out. I have my doubts that he will continue with this process so we can clear him up. Generally I have discovered that we must get the situation cleared before a teenager is 16 years old. After 16 the programs are locked in which makes it very hard and complex to clear. He has not made any appointments with me a continues in his inability to cope with life very well.
Case history #3
The family appears to be a loving supportive family who cares for their children very well. It would seem as if it they are a functional family. In the long run it does not play out in a positive manner. The children are now in their late 30′s and 40′s. They are having behavioural problems with their own children. On the surface it does not make sense from the family the history.
Case in point; A man of 45 years of age came to my lecture. He was a good looking guy yet he has a voice of a ten year old. When we evaluated and asked questions he did not know or understand why this happened. In asking his Subconscious Mind with Kinesiology (muscle testing) we discovered a traumatic experience at 10 years old which blocked his emotional development.
I have never worked with an adult or child who was this adept to figure out what his parents were doing. It appeared that he received total acceptance, approval and love from his parents unconditionally. The story turns out to have the opposite effect on him. They always supported and gave him acceptance for every paper or artwork he brought home from school. He received excellent grades on everything.
He decided to test his parents so he drew a piece of artwork that was poorly done. He knew if he had handed it in at school he would have received a failing grade on it. He gave it to his mother and she responded in the same manner she did with everything he had brought home. This crashed his life. He then knew what they were doing was what they thought was the proper behaviour, but it was hollow and had no meaning. His feeling was they really do not care. They are living in an illusion and doing what is right but it does not mean anything. His trust of trust of them was broken. He grew up with his interpretation about love was indifference. My parents do not really care for me. This was proven out over the next ten years. His grades dropped and he did not have much motivation to succeed. He tried college and dropped out He finally found a small business at 24 which really interested him so he asked the owner if he could trade time for some of the products. He then became a designer and now owns a good share of a multi-million dollar company which he runs. The conflict was that when people would call they would ask if they could speak to his daddy.
We cleared this all up by forgiving, accepting and loving his parents knowing they did the best they could under the circumstances. Released all the anger and resentment from his body. We reprogrammed his view and interpretation about love and his voice dropped from a high alto to a baritone. His voice dropped three octaves when we cleared all the programs which locked him in at 10 years old so he could grow up emotionally. This changed his whole life. His family now related with him in a positive manner because they knew he could give them love. His wife was so impressed with his recovery she made an appointment and now they have a functional family. We will always attract into our life people who demonstrate the substitute form of love we have accepted. As result the lesson goes on and on until we recognize it.
Both he and his wife had accepted indifference as love so they treated each other with indifference which was devastating to children. With a functional form of unconditional love they now communicate in a totally functional manner which is supportive for their children. It has also put their marriage back on the right track so they can stay together
Children are very easy to work with as they do not have a lot of locked in behaviour patterns. They very open and are quite resilient. They bounce back quick when they catch on to what I am doing. When they can f